Mary Of Nazareth
Non-Believers
Bethleham
The Birth Of Clovis
Lepers
Miracles
Mary Magdalena
The Romans
Clovis

Nazareth, the city on the hillside
A super place to reside
Always feels like home
Nazareth, a great place to vacation
For sun and relaxation
And cheaper than Rome

Mary:
         My name is Mary, I’m a virgin
         I’ve been good, (or that’s the version)
         Of the story I’ve been urging
         To my boyfriend Joseph

          He really wants to get it on
          I’ve kept him waiting for so long
          Up ‘til now I’ve been so strong
          Gonna wait ‘til he proposes

Hot blooded virgin in the city on the hill
Untouched by any man, but no stranger to the thrill
She handles the zucchini with the talent of a surgeon
Lover of the vegetable, but technically a virgin

Mary:
           I’m my own best friend, I don’t need any help
           Just let me in your garden and I’ll satisfy myself
           I’ll handle this zucchini with the precision of a surgeon
           Although I’ve had it many times, I’m still technically a virgin
           Ooooh my little cucumber…. Oooooh zuchinni….
           What?  Who is it?

GOD:
            Mary, Mary Of Nazareth…

Mary:
             Oh no…. God, noooooooo

God:
             Hold still you hot little bitch.  I know you want it. God how you
            Want it…

Mary:
             Now God is my best friend, I belong to him
             Service to the great almighty; lord I let his stick it in
             Your’re a good God, ooooh, you satisfied my urging
             Now I’m pregnant with your child Lord and technically a virgin

Mary:
Well my belly’s filling up and my breasts are swelling out (G/Am/Bm/Am)
Got a little one inside who’s just dying to get out  (G/Am/Bm/Am)
And the strangest part of all  (G/Am)
Is he’s not like you and me (Bm/Am/G)

You see, his daddy’s not from here; from this city on the hill
In fact he doesn’t chisel stone and he doesn’t run a drill
He sort of creates
All that you can see

Townspeople:
What sort of madness is this Mary? (C/G)
What sort of fools do you take us for? (C/G)
You’re full of shit about the virgin part (C/D)
In fact, you’re nothing but a common whore  (C/D/G)

The long journey south (Am)
The road does snake and wind it’s way  (D)
Past factory and house  (G)
The miles seem to melt away  (Am)
The traffic’s backing up  (Am)
On the long journey south  (D/G)
To Bethleham  (Am)

It’s tax time again
To Bethleham we all must go
All you’ve got to spend
Is what’s left after what you owe
It’s tax time again
Everybody’s on the road
To Bethleham

I need a room for me, and my new husband Joe  (C/G)
Do you have a reservation? (C)
No  (G)
You might try the Marriott, or perhaps the Holiday Inn  (C/G)
I did but they’re all booked up, is there no place I can go? (D/E)

Into the stable
Careful Mary where you step
Relax if you are able
It’s not the best place that you’ve slept
You’re safe there is no danger
Close your eyes and sleep here in the manger

Push Mary Push (Am/C/Am)
Push Mary Push  (Am/C/Am)
The baby will be coming soon  (Am/C/Am/G/Am/C/Am)
Push Mary Push (Am/C/Am)

Push Mary Push
Push Mary Push
The cervix is now dilating
Push Mary Push

We angels have been sent by God to supervise the birth (C/F/C/G)
This coming of the infant marks a blessing on the earth  (C/F/C/E)

Push Mary Push
Push Mary Push
The baby’s head is at the gate
Push Mary Push

Push Mary Push
Push Mary Push
Here he comes now, right on time
Push Mary Push

Behold the Lord who cometh forth adorned in bright magenta
And now here comes the afterbirth, behold the Lords plaecenta

All hail Clovis… Son Of God!

We angels have been sent by God to welcome the arrival
All man and beast will mark this day forever with a smile

We two kings have traveled far to bring the baby gifts
We’ve brought a pint of vodka and a box of cattle shit

We shepherds have been summoned to look on in silent awe
Save us the plaecenta, for we shall eat it raw

We’re lepers, Lord, we’ve come to see if you  (A)
Can fix us up and make us look like new  (A)
My skin is peeling off, a little every day  (D)
I left my dick inside my wife the last time I got laid  (A)
If you’re the Son of God, then you can help us out (E)
Just lay your hands upon us, but don’t push too hard  (d)
Because we’re lepers  (A)

We’re lepers, Lord, we’re looking for a fix
We know you’ve got some new skin in your Godly Bag ‘O Tricks
My sockets are both empty, I could really use an eye
Could you patch up all these holes; that would be so nice
Just ask your dad for help, we’re sure that He is kind
But hurry Clovis, if you would
We haven’t got much time
Because we’re lepers

We’re lepers, Lord, we’ve travelled far and wide
All the time these runny sores are draining our insides
I seem to have misplaced my feet, they must be in my shoes
It’s getting hard to talk now that my tongue is coming loose
Clovis, you’re our last hope, the only chance we’ve got
So lay your hands upon this heap
Of blood and skin and snot
Oh yeah, we’re lepers

Clovis met a lady once with eighteen kids she could not feed
He killed her kids and tied her tubes, so she would not breed
Clovis met a child who was screaming ‘cause he could not walk
He took the child’s tongue away so we won’t hear him sqauwk

A miracle, a miracle
A God-damned Holy Miracle
A real life holy miracle
A miracle today

Clovis saw a blind man who was sick of always falling down
Clovis took his legs away; he’s safe now on the ground
Clovis met a family, who’s home had just been lost
He moved them from a dumpster to a brand new cardboard box

A miracle, a miracle
A God-damned Holy Miracle
A real life holy miracle
A miracle today

Clovis met a sad young man who’s wife had just this morning died
Clovis took his life away so he could join his bride
Clovis met a virgin girl who never got to have much fun
Clovis promptly raped her, just like his dad had done

A miracle, a miracle
A God-damned Holy Miracle
A real life holy miracle
A miracle today

A lady with a past but a hunger for the future
Stands out in the crowd peering through a silken veil
The man who would be king extends his arms to greet her
She flashes him a smile cold and wet like falling hail

Mary, Mary Magdalina
Plaything of the shepherd’s once but now a holy shrine
Mary… Clovis never beat her
He kept her in his tent where she stayed drunk on wine

He met her at a stoning where rocks were flying forth
Let he who is without a sin preside over this court
He saved her from a certain death, of this we are all sure
She paid him back with loyalty and daily intercourse

Mary, Mary Magdalina
Take care of The Son of God, you’d better treat him right
Mary… queen of the obscena
Show him a good time when he’s in his tent tonight

Some say she was dangerous, that she would bring him down
Clovis would forget himself when Mary was a round
They said she was like Yoko, except not Japanese
She wore a lot of black and she screamed all out of key

Clovis trusted Mary and he gave her cash to spend
She ran into old boyfriends, everywhere they went
The Apostles talked behind his back; they figured from the start
This wench from Magdalena would break the savior’s heart

Clovis was so busy, with all the overtime
Mary found herself all bored and lonely in the night
Judas started looking in to see she was all right
Mary spread her legs for Judas then turned out the lights

Mary, Mary Magdalina
Clovis knows where you are and everything you do
Mary… has anybody seen her?
Now the Lord is pissed off and what’cha gonna do

We’ve been hearing stories of this Son of God (A)
This Nazariene guy  (A/E/A)
It goes against our teachings
So this Son of God must die
We cannot tolerate his behavior
Danger he has spread
The lepers must stay lepers and the dead men must stay dead

Must die, must die
The Son of God must surely die
Send him back to meet his maker
The Son of God must die

We don’t care if we’re right or wrong
It’s neither good nor bad
When he’s nailed up we will see
What miracles he had
Hanging from a wooden cross, no man can tell a lie
We will find the answer
When we watch him die

Must die, must die
The Son of God must surely die
Send him back to meet his maker
The Son of God must die

A thousand years or more
of bullshit we've been fed about some guy who is long dead
You've got to wonder now, who's minding the store
Some crazy celibate who claims to have the holy law?

They built built a fortune on bullshit and deceit
They hired clerks and called then priests to handle the receipts
And then the fuckin' pope, sitting on his golden throw
Sat back and took an inventory to see just what he owned

Use a condom if you like; it just might save your life
Try a new position with your sweetheart or your wife
Don't believe in fairy tales - no easter bunny, Santa Claus
Beelzebub ain't waiting for you, it's just a myth, because
they figure if you're scared enough you'll do just what they want you to
They'll tell you it's all right to kill a Hindu or a Jew
Clovis is long dead, in fact he's someone I made up
You wouldn't want to base your life on something so fucked up

Religion is a dirty word we'd all be best without
question everything you see, replace your faith with doubt
Holy men may come and go but truth is here to stay
Invest your time and energy in living for today

Holy Pope and moldy soap... hang 'em from  a holy rope
Nuns with beards and priests so queer, they'd like to have you live in fear
Confession times, hail Mary rhymes, Purgatory for all time
Our Father's house, the priest is soused, a rancid wafer in your mouth
A lucky date, God knows your fate; sit up when they pass the plate
Be a Good Samaritan, cough up more than five or ten
In fact, we haven't made a dent - we'd like to take twenty present
Our rectory is kind of small, we need a more majestic hall
Clovis died so you might live, but now you're gonna have to give
Let us shape your children's minds, out income at a  later time
Get 'em used to paying now; Mom 'n Pop can show them how
Teach them that the more they give
The more that Clovis loves them