Television  (Em/F#m)
There is nothing better  (G/A)
Take me beyond these walls  (Em/F#m)
Regardless of the weather  (G/A)

You haven’t left the house in days
You’re happy just to sit and gaze
At images from far away;
Of people that you’ve never met
Time is measured only at
The hour or the hour’s half
The time of day’s irrelevant
To your faithful TV set

Television
Anytime of day
Take be outside these walls
Take me far away

Years from now you’re nearly dead
You’re hooked up to a doctor’s bed
The TV going overhead
The picture’s dimming stay awake
Keep your eyes glued to the screen
You might see what you’ve never seen
You’ve only got to make it
To the next commercial break

Television
Never turn it off
With me right ‘til the end
There to see me off

So corporate America, having won the war
Sent it's surplus scientists to the drawing boards
Racing to the patent office, banging at the door
And the Cathode Ray Tube was born

     Hooray for Television
     It's wonderful; better then the kitchen sink
     Come up close and take a look
     That smudge on the screen is Milton Berle
     (I think)
     Have we opened up Pandora's Box?

It’s too early in the morning for this awful disco music
But it’s supposed to wake you up and make you want to move
We’ve got the hottest little vixens, who sure know how to use it
Get your heart a-pumping, here’s a workout just for you

“…one and two and one and two.  Doing Good!  Ok, let’s try some of those fuck-me squats.  Don’t forget to squeeze the butt cheeks…”

Here’s a tight shot of her ass to show her perfect figure
Gracefully she squats, her skin is so damn smooth
Zoom in on her thigh; we see her perfect sweat a-forming
Bordering on smut we watch her cleavage on the move

“One and two and cuff the carrot, choke the chicken
One and two and spank the monkey, pull the pud
One and two and whack the weasel, lasso the lizard
One and two and beat the meat, slam the ham
Are you ready to waltz with the one-eyed wonder worm?
Do you have a firm grip on the warm salty popsicle of doom?”

If you watch this every day you’ll stay fit and you’ll stay healthy
You’ll never have to lift weights, you’ll never have to sprint
Just sit back and enjoy it, no need to do some situps
We’ll keep your heart a-pumping (although you’ll probably squint)

The anchor team spreads morning cheer
With a story ‘bout a guy who got the electric chair
Coffee with the networks
Start off your day with a nightmare

Two hundred dead, in a plane crash she said  (F#)
But on the lighter side; the bags arrived on time  (Bm)
The only survivor was a little girl  (F#)
Now nobody wants her  (D)
Here’s a word from our sponsor  (A)
Nobody wants her here’s a word from our sponsor  (D/A)

A school’s been shot up
A city’s been charred
Now cut to a story ‘bout the pets of the stars
Turn on the network
Start off your day with a nightmare

A third world nation is approaching starvation
But closer to home expect some precipitation
The shuttle exploded on her maiden flight
You just saw us launch her
Here’s a word from our sponsor
You just saw us launch her, here’s a word from our sponsor

Shake off the cobwebs of your long night’s s;eep
With techni-color violence smeared across the screen
Watching the networks
Start off your day with a nightmare

Watching the networks
Start off your day with a nightmare

Oh Jerry
Who have you got on your show today
Celebrity look-alike pedophile junkies
With in-laws all pissed about the taxes they pay
Lets see what the callers have to say
Can’t wait to tune in your show

Hey Oprah
Who have you got on your show today
Hermaphrodite strippers who moonlight as school teachers
And the students in love who get all the best grades
Now they’ve formed a coilition to march in the parade
Can’t wait to tune in your show

Oh Sally
Who have you got on your show today
An average guy like me, who watched to much TV
Pushd over the edge by the weirdness he did see
Completely off his rocker went on a killing spree
Can’t wait to tune in your show

     Hooray for Television
     It's wonderful, keep your eyes on the screen
     Sit there and don't fall asleep
     You might just catch a glimpse of the American Dream

At home the family holds on tight
Like riding on a roller coaster
The wheel is slowing, slowing down
“Bite on in to that American Dream
There… you’ve won a toaster!”

“That’s right, yours to keep, you’ll be dining on perfect toast every time with this sweet little two slice Sunbeam electric with variable timer settings…”

“Our next contestant is a school bus driver from Sacramento who’s hobbies include collecting firearms and Nazi paraphenela”

Spin the wheel, roll those dice, choose a category
Scream a little louder Ma’am, the sponsors really like it
Press the buzzer once and we’ll pick your brain ‘bout history
“Sorry fellah…  it’s not our fault that you’re stupid”

“I’d like to buy a vowel; gimme an S…”

You ain’t won shit
“I wanted the vacation”
You ain’t won shit
“I’d settle for those golf clubs”
You ain’t won shit
“How about a year’s supply of…. nevermind”
You ain’t won shit
“I’d like to say hello to my mother”
You ain’t won shit
“Who do you got to blow around here to win something”
You ain’t won shit
“I better go home with some prize, motherfucker!”

You never bother changing from your nightgown
You never bother fixing up your face
Curlers in your hair you watch the lives unfolding on the screen
Your husband won’t be home ‘til late
You’re living in a writer’s dream

Soap opera, dope opera…

Now, Devon’s working late again
He’s cheating on Crystal, who’s cheating on Bill
Heather’s still lying in a coma
Luke’s hoping she dies before they find the will
And Yvette doesn’t know that her father
Is the kindly old man who rescued her son
And Perry’s not really the doctor
But the evil twin brother who’s been on the run

You never bother cleaning up the kitchen
You never bother cooking any more
Curlers in your hair you watch the lives unfolding on the screen
You don’t feel so alone today
You’re living in a writer’s dream

Soap opera, dope opera…

For a price they gave us music, for a price they gave us sex
You could do all of your shopping
They had channels just for that
They had channels for the weather, they had channels just for facts
They had channels for Hispanics
And channels just for Blacks

Hooray for television
It’s wonderful; worth every cent you pay
Got to get your money’s worth
Better sit and watch that thing
24 hours a day

Camp out in the living room
Feet up on the table
Got me the remote control, gonna quickly scan the cable
Every day I go through this
Just got to get it through my head

There’s nothing good on  (C)
TV’s so boring at three o’clock  (D/G)
Game shows and soap operas  (C)
News and a look at the stocks  (D/G)
There’s nothing good on  (C)
Might have to leave it on MTV  (D/G)
The only other choices are the cooking shows and Spanish TV  (C/D/G)

On the Home Shopping Network they’re selling a quilt
And on Refugee TV Sally Struthers peddles guilt
There’s a Solorflex commercial
Nah, I’ve seen it before
I can always watch the Senate
Boring!
How ‘bout the guy who paints the landscapes?
Boring!
Get me through this hour
I’ve only got to make it ‘til four

There’s nothing good on
TV’s so boring in the afternoon
I might have to give it up and find something better to do
There’s nothing good on
Maybe go play sports this afternoon
Break out the Nintendo
Let’s get away from the tube

A steady tone alerts him that he’s coming to a crime
That blue house on the left must have a badly shielded line
He pulls right up in front, he’s gonna waste no time
He’s a cable cop

Ma’am I’ve come to check your cable
We know you pay for just one hook-up
(I know you’re in there, open up – I only want to take a look)
We think you’ve tampered with your box
And that makes you a cable crook

He looks on in disgust when he sees a backyard dish
So God damned un-american, they must be communists
If only every station would just bother to encrypt
He’s a cable cop

His enemies are shopping at the local Radio Shack
Looking for the stuff they need to counter his attack
Climbing up the phone pole, he’s ready to fight back
He’s a cable cop

He stands for law and order and monthly cable fees
He casts his gaze of terror upon everyone he sees
It’s him against suburbia, he’ll bring them to their knees
He’s a cable cop

     Hooray for television
     It's wonderful, never gonna turn it off
     Big Brother found a way to keep an eye on us
     Without the television we'd be totally lost

I don't want to hear
What you did today
Leave me alone
I've got nothing to say
So SHUT UP!
Can't you see I'm watching tv?

In a kinder, gentler age  (D)
The family sat together and talked about the weather  (A)
A family in so many ways  (D)
They used to be together - for ever and ever (E)

Now conversation is dead  (E…)
Buried in the back of your head
Save what you might have said
Conversation is dead

Dinner was great dear,
Now give me a kiss
I missed you too dear
But listen to this
SHUT UP!
Can't you see I'm watching tv?

A nod and a smile
Is all that you'll get
Silence is golden
Now turn up the set
And SHUT UP!
Can't you see I'm watching tv?

Conversation died with television
"Keep your mouth shut....my show is coming on!"
Communication missing in this generation
"The easy chair is where I belong...
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WATCHING TV?"

They call it prime time, a nice little rhyme (E)
For the American pastime, our cultural crime  (A)
A couple of hours to deaden your mind   (E)
Such a small value you place on your time  (C/D/A)

The sitcoms are user friendly
With laughter from a can
The news has been turned into the movie of the week
Much easier to understand
It doesn’t matter what you watch
You might as well be blind
Don’t expect to see anything of value
When you give up your prime time

They call it prime time…

The minute’s a man made measurement  (Am/D…)
To calculate just when you’ve been
Strung together they’ll tell you when
It’s time for the evening’s big event
These minutes can’t be bought or sold
They can’t be saved for a later day
Use them and they’ve quickly gone
Waste them and they’ve gone away
When a fool puts no value on his time
He usually lets it go real cheap
If you waste it watching television
You deserve what you get to keep

“Amen, I do believe!”

I believe, I do believe
I believe, I do believe

He looks like an insurance salesman
See him in his shiny shoes
He’s in tight with the local clan
He looks good in a big white sheet
He’s the darling of the midwest house wives
They dream about him every night
He’s God’s own collection man
He’s a TV preacher

“God works in mysterious ways, but God does not work for free, no no.  God requires money to keep his ministry alive.  Now, you may be sitting at home think ‘ maybe I’ll send in a five dollar bill’, but believe me, God knows exactly what’s in your checking account, so don’t be cheap… don’t be cheap… don’t be cheap…”

Dig deeper and deeper
You’ll get off no cheaper
Then thirty percent of what you made last week
In to your pockets, come on dig deep!
Dig deeper and deeper

So alone, so long since your husband passed away
God knows your monthly check is in the mailbox today
Down on your knees, we’ll show you the way
God will fix you up, for the small price you pay
Dig deeper and deeper
Fight off that Grim Reaper
Five dollars a day, will keep the Devil away
Write out a check, just do it today
Dig deeper and deeper

“God has told me that he’ll be calling me home if I can’t raise twenty million dollars by next weekend.  Now, I know that you wouldn’t want….   Arrrggghhhhhhh!”

They lie and they cheat
They don’t pay their taxes
They prey on the weak, lead them like wsheep
Robbing the masses
God is a commodity they slice up and sell
They’ll give you some hope, but they can’t make you well
Costs quite a bit to stay out of Hell
Where all the money goes; we’ll never tell

Dig deeper and deeper….

Now it’s body has grown cold  (C)
And it’s tubes are dark and still  (G)
And the screen is staring blankly  (Am/Em)
As we bid it fare-thee-well  (Am/D)
And words of comfort from the preacher  (C)
As he casts his little spell  (G/Em)
To help it’s soul get in to Heaven  (Am)
All that’s left is just a shell  (Am/D)
Of out TV set  (D/G)

Our TV died last Saturday night
It gave it’s final gasp while I was sitting there
It was the first time I ever saw a real live death up close
The Grim Reaper must have been standing right behind my easy chair
That TV was the best thing that we ever had
It was there when we were sick, tucked us in at night
Now it’s on and off switch sits cold and dull
I’m really gonna miss that weird blue light

Our TV died last Saturday night
Now Moma, she’s been crying ever since the funeral
The flowers from our friends, they were so beautiful
Our TV would have liked that, yes it would
That TV was the best thing that we ever had
Part of the family, so much more than just a friend
It kept us informed up until the very end
And now we’re gonna miss
Our faithful little TV set

Shoot it with a shotgun
Shoot it from behind
Blow it’s fucking guts out
Liberate your mind

Kill your television
Nail it to a cross
Make it pay for all your sins
Before your soul is lost

Break it with a baseball bat
Smash it with a sledge
Take it to the balcony
Throw it off the edge

Kill your television
Nail it to a cross
Make it pay for all your sins
Before your soul is lost

Without television we’d be standing in the hall  (F/G/C)
Without television our society would fall  (F/G/C)
We’d all be perfect strangers all alone behind our walls  (F/G/C/B/Am)
Without television we would fall  (F/G/Am)

The image that was handed
To the masses became standard
We were branded with a lie called the American Dream
Black and white gave right and wrong
So easy if you went along
But if you turned your set off it would make you want to scream

Without television there’s so much we wouldn’t know
Without television we would have no place to go
Our houses would fall down and our gardens would not grow
Without television we’re alone

Monkey see and monkey do
Like chickens in a chicken coop
We mimic and we olay our eggs, we do just what we’re told
And like a dog that’s thrown a bone
At night we get to sit at home
The privilege of our modern lives, we buy all that we’re sold

Without television we would have an empty space
Without television we’d be stuck in just one place
We’d all be on our own and we’d lose the human race
Without television we would waste